Real Advice a WoW Addict’s Significant Other Can Use

Recently I’ve been reading more and more advice from complete asshats about what a desperate housewife/girlfriend who is married/living with/dating a significant other with a severe WoW (World of Warcraft) addiction can do to get some desperately needed attention.  These internet columns that give life advice always crack me up.  For the record, if you’re looking for advice about money/love/career on Yahoo, none of those life categories will be improving anytime soon, so you should probably just save yourself the misery that is the rest of your life and slit your wrists right now.  However, as The4ngryG4mer is not completely heartless, and for those of you insistent on being imparted with his infinite knowledge and wisdom, I’ll help you out.

 First off, don’t believe the bullshit.  Advice like, “suggest a board game you both can play” or “try planning an outside activity” is fucking crap and it won’t work.  Either suggestion will almost instantaneously be met with 1 million reasons why he doesn’t want or can’t do either of those things.  Why you ask?  Mostly because board games should be renamed bored games and outside activities with a girl you already have in the sac is like asking an NFL player to toss a football with a retarded kid.  

Before you fire up the google search engine and continue to try and fix your utterly pathetic life via the internet, here’s some advice that would really work.  You have to beat the enemy (Blizzard, company that created WoW) at their own game.  Don’t understand what I mean?  Well, the reason WoW  is so addictive is because the whole game revolves around repetitive, mundane, mindless tasks that you have to do over and over again in order to gain items that bring you pleasure by making your character in the game more powerful.  Just when the majority of people have completed those mindless tasks, Blizzard puts out a new update and all the sudden the bar is raised.  Then everyone who was way behind is nearly caught up and all the dorks that were way ahead suddenly have to work their asses off to make sure that their character remains superior.  Still having trouble figuring out how to translate what I’m saying into action?  Ok, I’ll give you an example.

 Let’s say your name is Andrea.  Create something abstract called Andrea Reputation.  Then get a long piece of printer paper and tape it up to the wall behind your bed.  This is your “Reputation Progress Bar”.  When Johnny-WoW-Addict starts paying attention when you talk, takes you out on dates, gives you a foot rub, etc, you color in some more of the bar.  When the bar is full, you give him the piece of paper that he can either turn in now for a small reward, OR save up a bunch of them to turn in for a large reward.  Then, once you have him used to the idea, you can further manipulate him by offering “Double Reputation Days” on the days when you really want him to spend time with you.

It will work, trust me, if he plays WoW, he IS REALLY THAT DUMB.

I’ll stop camping when you stop crying

So I’ve been playing a lot of MW3 lately, and incredibly, the [iPwn] squadron dominates this game even more than we did MW2.  However, this means that every single night, without failure, we inevitably run into that group of 2 or 3 guys that isn’t used to getting their asses kicked and they start crying about how we “camp”.  It continuously amazes me how this new generation of gamers approaches their in-game performances the exact same way as they do the rest of their lives.  Which is, with more excuses for failure than a politician.   Probably 99% of the time, the intelligent discussion degenerates into the usual “you live in your mom’s basement”, “you have no sex life”, “insert random insult that has no basis in fact here” insulting and I start passing out mutes. (Which by the way, one of my favorite ways to piss someone off is to mute them, and then right after they figure out I can’t hear them anymore and stop talking, take them off mute and say “xxxx you suck dick, you’re going back on mute” LOL)  So in an attempt to communicate with these masters of articulation, I figured I would fire up the rusty old blog and see who ends up reading it. 

My guess, is that if this page does end up getting any decent traffic, it will mostly be from people who are trying to find a venue to express their frustrations about people who camp.  These people almost categorically share the same common traits:

1.  They have KDR’s between 1 and 1.5

2.  They have above average kills per game.

3.  They think they have ADHD, and that it is cool, and therefore, playing the game without holding down the run-stick constantly is somehow boring.

4.  They have 12 or 13 different definitions for what constitutes “camping”, including but not limited to, staying in one general area, defending a choke-point, coordinating with the rest of your team in any way/shape/form, etc. 

5.  When you kill them, you always hear that 1.5 seconds of rage-cussing about why that particular death was bullshit.  (Thank you SO much Infinity-Ward for this, I’m not sure if it was on purpose or not, but it brightens my every day)

6.  Because their affinity for in-game spawn chaos, they generally do much better when the spawns are switching constantly and they have several opportunities to shoot people in the back or ear. OR They have quicker than average reflexes and aiming skill, so meeting people face-to-face generally favors them in a spray-and-pray battle.

7.  They completely lack any understanding of the oh-so-complex theories of basic arithmetic. (i.e. they think going 20-17 is more admirable than 9-3)

Anywho, now that I’ve identified my target audience, let’s get this party started.  First off, you suck enormous donkey dick, as demonstrated every time we beat your internet-tough-guy ass.  You live your gaming life, and one can only infer your entire life, by doing what you do, playing how you play, and when it doesn’t work out, your solution is to make an excuse for why it didn’t work out and repeat the same experiment over again.  I’m going to ignore the generalizations about your real life behavior for now and just focus on your MW3 behavior. When I say that you suck enormous donkey dick, I don’t mean that you suck enormous donkey dick because you completely lack skill, or you don’t have decent hand-eye coordination and reflexes.  I mean you suck enormous donkey dick because you can’t adapt to what is going on in the game, and you are generally unable to use the information you have to change your own behavior to produce a successful result. 

Let me give you a classic example.  Last night, a gamer with the tag of AeroKiller (or very similar, I didn’t write it down) gets into our game lobby and promptly sees 6 dudes with the [iPwn] clan tag on the other team (us of course).  Now an intelligent male might check the lobby leaderboard KDRs where he would find 3 guys over 1.5, 2 guys over 2.0 and 1 dude rolling a 3.48, all playing on the opposite team thus giving himself a clue that playing with what was presumably his best gaming buddy CHYEA and 4 randoms might be a rough go of it.  Hey, I understand.  I’ve been there before bro.  You have a bunch of disorganized baboons on your team.  Usually in those situations, I hunker down and make sure I’m not part of the death-machine movement going on my side of the scoreboard or I find a new lobby.  This guy (like most) immediately starts running his mouth. ”Oh watch out, these guys pwn.”  “I’m real scared.”   Ok, smart guy, so now you have our attention and we are going to make extra sure that you don’t come out of this game on top.  He posts a 9-23 on Arkaden.  I don’t think I died that many times all of last week.  His buddy posted an 8-14.  His team loses 7500-3500 and here we go with the camping insults/excuses.  At that point the 60 second wait in between games turns into an insult fest (more on this later) and he proclaims that he is going to rape us in the upcoming contest. 

Now, just to give you a little bit of insight into how [iPwn] operates, as a general rule, our team goal is to trap the other team in their own spawn, or at the very least control our spawn such that our defense/offense can be easily organized as players die and respawn.  We have a good group for this style of play as we have a pretty diverse set of risk preferences.  Some of us are risk seeking-and some of us are risk-adverse.  This means that we have, on any given map, what I like to call anchors and edge-fighters.  Our anchors are risk-adverse and they keep us all generally spawning in the same place by killing the enemies who made it past our edge fighters and have given away their position, with a very high success rate.   Our edge fighters are seeking action (although sometimes cautiously) and giving intel to the rest of the team about enemy position/loadout/etc.  That being said, I tend to be in the edge fighter category.  

Back to our AeroKiller and CHYEA example.  So we are on the second game, after these dudes just got their mouths shit in, and they have responded by talking more of it.  I set up with a claymore watching my flank and get a position with cover where I can see the middle of the board and relay information to the rest of my team.  What do you know, our boy AeroKiller comes charging through the very middle of the map.  He catches 2 type-95 bullets in the chest and 1 in the head.  I hear him scream “god damn it” and I chuckle.  About 20 seconds later, boom, my claymore goes off and I hear our boy scream “fucking claymore”.  What happens next, illustrates what I mean when I say “unable to use information and adapt for a succesfful result”.  It should be very OBVIOUS that I know several things:

1. He is REALLY pissed off and wants to buzz-kill me.

2.  He knows he can’t take the center route because I’ll just shoot him in the head before he can see me.

3. He just tried to flank me and found my claymore before he got to me.

4.  It takes about 20 seconds to for him respawn and run back to my position. 

Knowing what I know, anyone with half of a 2-year-old’s brain would surmise that he is going to try to flank me again in about 20 seconds because he now thinks he doesn’t have to worry about the claymore that just killed him.  Sure enough 20 seconds later he comes charging through my flank hallway without even so much as throwing a flash grenade first.  I knife him in the back and burst into hysterical laughter when I hear him scream “FUCKING CAMPER!!”.  Now he has started the game 0-3 and I’m 3/5ths of the way to calling in the air-force, further hindering his running-around-like-crazy tactics.

What’s his solution to this?  Getting his ass kicked for the second straight game in a row and charging into the pre-grame lobby trying to tell us how badly we suck because “all you can do is camp”.  What a fucking idiot.  Do you think I’m going to change my tactics the slightest bit when what I’m doing is more effective against you than using oral sex as birth control?  No.  Do you think I give 2 shits that you have no respect for what you think is “camping” when I’m 30-4 and you are 6-15?  No. 

I love how these noobs use “camper” as an insult too.  I think this is the world’s most ineffective insult besides the diss of “cracker”.  Seriously, your calling me white.  I’m really not bothered by that.  I enjoy being white.  Never had a problem with it.  Your not going to make me feel bad by calling me something that I love being.  Dumbass.

Another great one, “Why don’t you prestige pussy?”  Ummm…hey shortstick, take a look at my score and my rank.  If I wanted to I could be looking down on your 3rd prestige with binoculars.  There is a reason why it doesn’t automatically put you back to level 1 when you get to 80.  It’s a choice.  You  lose your weapons/perks and you gain other advantages.  I personally find the leveling part of the game highly annoying.  I can out think you at any given time and I only need 5 classes to do it.  How’s that special symbol and extra class working out for you?  Tool.

A third common insult, “All you do is use a <insert the weapon that I have chosen to pwn this particular noob with>.”  Oh I see,  you have more skill than me because you use inferior weapons.  I get it.  So if I want to impress you I need to run around in the middle of the board with a hand gun and try to kill you from 200 yards.  Gotcha.   Really, just stfu, because at this point your grasping at straws and REALLY embarrassing yourself. 

The moral of this story is don’t cry about camping noobs.  It’s unbecoming.  Make some friends online, get good at playing together, and devise a way to knock the “campers” off of their spawn.  Or even easier than that, out-camp them.  Instead of throwing caution to the wind with your avatar’s life, use your brain to get the jump on someone and win the 2300-1600 if you have to.  Or just keep chugging enormous donkey dick – it helps my stats out anyways.  =P

Anger Issues

As many of you might have figured out, The4gryG4mer has some severe anger management issues.  I hate losing.  I hate losing so fucking bad I have broken countless controllers, punched holes in numerous walls and even destroyed a ping pong table or two.  I’m that guy you can’t stand to play games like Halo or Gears of War with because if I lose and you are on my team, you are going to hear about how badly you suck two-thirds of the way into the next match. 

It doesn’t help with all these fucking ways that people come up with to gloat about their win either.  I can honestly tell you that I have had to buy an XBox controller and spackle a wall in the same night after being humped by some faggot-little-noob-high-schooler for all 30 seconds of the bleed out time because my teammates quit and I had to finish out the game 4 on 1 while playing ranked matches on Gears of War.  What is it with this generation of little fuck-heads?  Mommy and Daddy buy them an XBox and a game that is so rediculously graphic I wonder if I should even be playing it, and don’t even have the descency to teach them how to be a gracious winner.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m the worst loser ever.  If I lose, and your on my team, you can bet that your going to have to answer the question: “How could you be so fucking stupid?…<insert poor strategy/execution/tactic here>” But, how hard is it to be a good winner?  I mean are these fucking little turd rockets so empty inside that they have to make 8 players spend thirty seconds of their lives watching a locust hump a human with a smoke grenade stuck up his ass?  It’s like, they see someone else doing it to them, so instead of realizing what a waste of time it is, they are like “Wow, that guy was really cool, he sure did hump the hell out of me after blowing my leg off with the shotgun.  I wish I could be like him.” 

If I could invent one technology, it would be to allow me to travel through the internet.  I swear to god the world would be such a better place.  I can just see it now, four little brats talking more shit than George W. Bush, humping me like Kobe on a white girl, and then BLAM!  I crawl out of the host’s computer screen, immediately turn off his XBox (ending the game for all four of the little homos) and within seconds standing over a wimpering, bludgened, bloody and bruised body asking “Still think it’s cool to antagonize poeple when you win because you had an unfair advantage?”  Then the little toolbag has to go to school the next day.  “Holy shit man, what happened to you last night, we were laughing at The4ngryG4mer and then you just logged out?  Whoa man, you look like you just got the shit beat out of you!”  “Yeah, I can’t play Gears anymore guys, The4ngryG4mer smashed my XBox, I guess it’s really not that funny to hump people when you win.”

 LOL!  OMG, my fantasy.  Anyways, it doesn’t even stop here.  This new technology could be applied to so many things.  World of Warcraft for example.  Here is a game where people spend hundreds of hours of their lives leveling a character just so they can go back make life a living hell for anyone and everyone of inferior dorky-ness.  They always have these clever little guild names like, Id Mana Tap That, or Evil Empire or whatever else someone with no job, social life or marketable skill could spend 17 hours a days coming up with.  The most annoying thing about these losers is that they use in-game emotes to communicate with you.  Instead of simply asking “Can you conjure me some water?”, it has to be, “Zeia looks thirsty, maybe you have a drink?”  AAAAAHHH!  Can you feel my pain here?  I would love to crawl through their computer screens, beat the living fucking shit out of them, and put up an away message like “Zeia can’t talk right now because he was camping The4ngryG4mer and got the shit beat out of him.  Sorry.” 

Some of you may be thinking, “But 4ngryG4mer, what happens if the guy on the other screen is more of a badass than you?”  Pffffff, let me just say, not likely.  I can personally garauntee each and everyone one of you gamers out there that I promise I could beat your ass.  Seriuosly, Chuck Liddel, if you play Halo/Gears/WoW, I could beat your ass, so you better think twice about trying to make my gaming life miserable just because you have some free time and your bored.  Go jerk off or something.  Better yet, try seeing how many seconds you can hold on to a brick before letting go and swimming to the surface.

Well, I’m going to go work on my internet traveling device…..in the mean time, start learning how to be gracious winners you toolbags.

IT Stinks!

For like the 15th straight year or something IT (Information Technology) has been the fastest growing industry in the country.  The consequences of this are that in order for us to fill the jobs that we need, the inflow of foreigners into IT jobs has been overwhelming.  Now, I don’t want to see a bunch of comments from you idiots after you read this post about how I’m racist and stereotypical, cause I’m not racist, and there is nothing wrong with pointing out stereotypes.  So fuck off. 

I have a serious problem with stinky people.  It fucking drives me up the wall.  It’s like ever since college, when I chose my career path, I have been cursed with the stinky lab partner, the stinky cube mate, the stinky conference-room-meeting-guy that sits next to me every fucking day no matter where I decide to sit, the stinky QA guy…..it goes on and on and on.  You walk into a biz school computer lab and you have to decide between sitting in the corner by yourself, and actually getting some work done…OR sitting in between the two ridiculously hot girls who both smell like they just got done shooting a Bath & Body works commercial requiring you to take bathroom breaks every 15 minutes just to keep you from going insane.  You walk into an Applied Science & Engineering computer lab and it’s like you stepped into this alternate universe where deodorant hasn’t been invented yet and shopping malls are filled with raw onion markets instead of personal hygiene stores. 

Seriously, when the Mayflower passed through the Bermuda triangle on their way to colonizing America was there some enlightenment portal that they passed through that mutated their olfactory nerves to allow humans to smell their own stench?  Yesterday, I am helping this guy figure out some problem with his code and it was one of those things where you help him a little bit, and then he runs into another problem, and then you help him a little bit more, so on and so forth.  This fucking guy stinks so goddamn bad that his entire cube has a stench cloud hovering around it.  It got the point where I had to make up some reason why it would take me a few minutes to come over to his cube to help him so that I could load up on oxygen by hyper-ventilating before hand.  Then it’s like the worst game show that you can ever imagine, something like Jeopardy, but instead of the little song playing in the background, you actually run out of air to breath and pass out if you can’t figure out the answer in time. 

Some cultures you can actually tell their bathing schedule by how offended your nose is during the week.  It’s like they get out of the shower on Monday morning and think “Well, that should do it for the bathing this week!”  By Friday your coming up with a strategy to reschedule all your meetings with said person by blocking off all of Monday and parts of Tuesday morning to get the meetings over and done within an acceptable time-since-last-shower window.   

This problem really gets on my nerves because I know it’s one of those things that should be pretty simple to solve.  You walk into Simaguyn Naynellejie’s (not a real person, don’t bother trying to rat me out toolbags) cube, it fucking stinks in there, you say “Hey man, ever hear of Old Spice?  Here’s a free sample! =)”  But nooooooo, here in America, since we had slaves as recently as 150 years ago, so everybody has to tip-toe around anyone who isn’t a white male or speaks with an accent. 

Just so you guys know that I’m an equal-opportunity-stink basher, it’s not just foreigners.  It’s fucking fat-ass Americans too.  And let me tell you, there is NO shortage of those fuckers in IT.  Now, just so I’m not being completely hypocritical here, lord knows that The4ngryG4mer could stand to lose a few lbs.  But I’m talking about the guy that eats cupcakes and a big-gulp (refilled 3 times a day) full of Mt. dew, hits the BK up for lunch everyday and still manages to dump $10 into the office vending machine.  The guy that has to wait for the handicap stall to open up so he has enough room in there to find his shit-hole and piss-hose before going into battle.  The guy that brings his own titanium reinforced chair to conference rooms because he simply doesn’t fit in the regular ones, then makes self depricating jokes about how he needs to lose some weight.  Hey buddy, I don’t even really mind looking at your fat-ass (provided your wearing clothes), it’s actually kinda comical and makes me feel better about my reading on the bathroom scale, but if you could ditch the stench that goes along with it, my nose might send you a x-mas card next December.  They probably don’t even bother with the deodorant because it would take an entire stick of it to cover all of the surface area generated by having 6 armpits on each side.

Fucking bullshit.  I want my non-smelly air back!  I’m going to try it.  I’ll probably get fired, but fuck it.  I’m going to walk right over to the person whose ridiculously obvious stench is floating across the cube wall as we speak and say “Hey, buddy, since is obvious that you haven’ t showered since last Saturday, could you do me a favor and try this Axe body spray?”

I’ll let you guys know if I’m still employed on Monday……=P  

Whatever shall we do about the cheating Pats?

First off, you should all know that The4ngryG4mer is a die hard Steelers fan.  I haven’t been a Steelers fan my entire life, a fact that my Bengal loving friends attempt to bring up every time we knock their asses out of the playoffs and they feel like punching me in the face.  I became a Steelers fan the day that Ben was drafted from Miami University (fucking Ohio assholes, we were a University before Florida was even a state!)  I grew up a browns fan, and then those cock-smokers decided to move my team to Baltimore, and I disowned them.  I had a brief stint in middle school where I wore a Chiefs Starter Jacket (it was all the craze at the time) but I really  just liked the jacket, and half heartedly like the Chiefs.  If you like another team, that’s great, good for you, but my team is better.  Why? Because I said so. 

That being said, I would like to address this Patriot-cheating thing.  So, first off, I can tell you that, as one who had to watch the Patriots beat our asses in the AFC championship game and consequently stain Ben’s near perfect rookie year, you would think that I am ready to saw off Belicheck’s head like it was a fatwa, but as far as that goes, not really.  In fact, I think it would be funny if EA Sports put a “Cheat your ass off” button in next year’s Madden and that move would work extra good against the slow-witted Packers, but not so great against the Jets.  Speaking of which, nice work Eric Mangini for pwning your former teacher.  All in all though, the Patriots have always been a class act organization.  You watch those “inside the NFL” films and they show you things like Tom Brady walking out of Heinz field saying things like “I hate this stadium.  Great team though.”  See–now THAT is how your suppose to act, like you’ve fucking been there before.

Anyways, back to the cheating thing.  So the Pats broke the rules right?  And Roger Goodel is supposed to be this hard-ass commissioner that doesn’t allow players or organizations to put the almighty NFL in a bad light, right?   Furthermore, we have the media sitting around like the little sister that just tattled on her older brother for getting high in the garage, completely giddy with excitement as she waits to see what daddy is going to do about it.  So what is daddy talking about doing?  Penalties could include “fine, and/or multiple draft picks”.  What a fucking joke.  Let me tell you why this is the dumbest idea ever.  Fines, yeah, that’s really going to do something.  Whatever the $$ amount is, I’m sure Robert Kraft (Pats owner) will be thinking to himself, “Oh darn, now I can’t by that 3rd Yacht I’ve been wanting”.  And draft picks?  Please…..when you have an organization that star players like Randy Moss will go to and play for pennies on the dollar just to get a chance to wear the same jock strap as Tom Brady while no-one is paying attention, somehow I don’t think that personnel is going to be an issue in the short term. 

Why are people so fucking dumb?  What is the only thing that even matters in the NFL?  Winning.  Period.  That’s it.  Doesn’t matter how you do it, if you win, everything else falls into place.  If the NFL really thinks that video taping other teams on the sidelines in an attempt to steal their defensive play signs is such a fucking problem, then why not take away their win against the jets?  I can hear the comments now….”Oh…4ngryG4mer….but that’s not fair to the fans…blah blah blah”  Ok, well, apparently neither is the Pats video taping coaching signals.  I guess the thing that really crawls up my ass in this whole situation is that the media is making such a big deal about it, but they don’t have the balls to call on good old Roger to reach under his skirt, find his pills, and take away the win.  It’s like these people that send their kids to their rooms where they can play video games all night when they get grounded.  I don’t know how many little brat-noob-bastards that think they are the shit cause they read about some stupid in-game glitch on the internet before anyone else, sitting there ruining my nightly gaming session while they are supposed to be grounded for being the little cock-suckers that they are I have come across in the last 4 years, but let me tell you, it’s way too fucking many! 

Sorry, got a little bit side-tracked there, back to the Pats thing…  How does taking away a draft pick affect the Romeo Crenels of the NFL, who are sitting there sweating their balls off about next years contract, desperate and willing to do anything for a win?  If they get caught, oh-fucking-well, I’ll be gone next year anyways, so really, I’ll just be helping myself when I’m with another team.

Could you people do me a favor?  Hurry up an elect me ruler of the earth so things can run more smoothly around here.  I’m tired of the stupidity.

The Birds and the—what were those things called again daddy?

This bee thing has been getting under my skin for a long fucking time now.  I don’t know if this is true, but my grandma told me that Einstein once said, “Humans will be around as long as the bees are.”  Makes sense to me.  Originally they (yeah, they, as in whoever the fuck gets money from whoever the fuck to do studies on this shit) originally thought that it was the cell phone radiation.  So now I read this new article where they are saying that it’s some bee virus possibly imported from Israel.  Yeah, that’s about right, leave it to the Jews to wipe humanity off the face of the earth. 

I think we need to rethink this whole globalization thing.  Truthfully I’m surprised that we haven’t spawned some crazy mutated bacteria that evolved because some pill popping, white trash, red-neck decided to use his mom’s expired vag anti-biotic after he caught some weird strain of herpes that mutated while living in the asshole of his under aged-first-cousin-once-removed girlfriend.

I saw a picture of the exit off of the highway from my house taken in 1963.  How depressing.  Nothing but beautiful farmland.  The picture had a time of 4:30 pm on it.  There was a lone car on the road going across the bridge.  Try going to that same fucking exit now-a-days around 4:30.  Nothing but cars packed bumper to bumper, spewing exhaust in the air.  That’s right people, we are now averaging 150 horse power per person on the roads.  Any idea how much horse power it takes to propel a person at the speed of 65 mph?  15.  Yeah, fucking 15 horsepower can easily get a person to work and back at a reasonable speed.I mean, don’t get me wrong, nothing gets my dick hard faster than seeing my gas guzzling Cayenne pulling a big phat gas guzzling wakeboard boat for a combined MPG of 11.  But do I drive the motherfucker to work everyday?  No!  Truthfully, I blame the oil companies and the politicians that gargle their cum. 

In 1933, Roosevelt introduced “The New Deal”, and the critics went ballistic. People called him a socialist.  But guess what?  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  Got us out of the depression didn’t it?  (Yes assholes, I am aware that WWII was mostly responsible for that, but it was helping and the economy was recovering slowly)  We need some desperate measures now.  The pinnacle of human gas mileage occurred in 1987, at 22.1 mpg.  Since then we have been hovering steadily between 20 and 22.  What does this mean you ask?  It fucking means that we aren’t making very much progress technologically in this area, and since humans seem to think it’s a good idea to double their world population every  100 years, the problem is getting exponentially worse. 

Every industry, computers, medicine, construction, farming, etc., has made leaps and bounds technologically, except for the internal combustion engine industry.  Meanwhile, the oil companies are taking record profits.  WTF?!?  Anyone else see the problem here?  What we need is politician, or a group of politicians that will start thinking outside of the box.  How about forcing the big oil companies to invest larger portions in alternate energy R&D instead of just drilling for more oil?  Ever thought of that dickwads?  Meanwhile BP has commercials on TV about how they are so good for the environment because they increased the natural gas supply in the US.  Ummm….ok, so your artificially increasing the supply for a non-renewable resource…how does this help things in the long run?  100 years from now when all of the oil is gone and the west isn’t dumping trillions of dollars of oil money into the mid-east, wtf do you people think is going to happen?  Probably the same thing that happened 100 years ago, the Arabs are going to be running around the desert fighting like Michael Vicks house pets.  Except that, this time, they are going to have nuclear weapons instead of arrows and slingshots. 

Seriously though, globalization, commercialization, democratization, nuclearization, pollutionalization (I am aware that this isn’t a word, don’t comment about it assholes) all this shit needs to go.  I seriously worry that I am going to take my kids to the lake someday and it is going to be either dried up or closed because how badly we have wrecked the environment.  I mean, I love cell phones and video games, and all of the great technology stuff that goes along with corporate America, but whose idea was it that every mother-fucker that can afford to slap $9.99 a month down on their high interest, debt-ridden credit card has to have one? Don’t even get me started on American credit and the sub-prime lending industry.  These assholes sell loans to idiots that can’t even balance a fucking check book, let alone have any business buying a house, and then wonder where their business model went bad after they are trying to dump foreclosed houses in an already weak housing market.  Hey, Matt, remember when you scoffed at me when we were in college and I told you that credit cards would someday be the downfall of America?  Yeah, fuck you buddy. =P We shall see who was right in the end won’t we?

As I know many of you look to The4ngryG4mer for guidance in such trying times as these, and as always, I will offer my solutions to solving the world’s problems.  First, we need to get rid of advertising.  My friend Tracy calls it “turd polish”.  And when you think about it, she is pretty much right.  Corporations selling products to people that they really don’t need, just because they can.  Why?  To grow business…make money….blah blah blah.  So if advertising grows business, and  we get rid of advertising, how does the economy grow?  Guess what cock bags, the economy only needs to grow if we are trying to keep up with all the other growing economies, or we are trying to keep up with our growing population.  So, maybe…just maybe, all you fucking asshats out there should just STOP PUMPING OUT KIDS. Seriously, if I see one more dirty ass fat kid with 5 siblings living in a double-wide having “Wal-Mart Day” with the family, I’m going to snap.  If, everyone just had one kid we could cut the population in half in like 75 years, reduce the strain on the environment, and increase the chances of our survival on this fragile rock. 

I got 4 words for you…BACK-DOOR-NO-BABY! 

WarCrack

If your thinking about buying the game World of Warcraft, you should seriously consider re-evaluating your life.  I’m sure most of you saw the South Park episode that deals with this, but just so you know, IT’S ALL TRUE!  There were no exaggerations in that parody whatsoever.  You literally get sucked into an online world where the only thing that matters is how much of your life you have wasted running around a virtual world.  If you are still thinking to yourself “Ah come on 4ngryG4mer, if 6 million people play it, it can’t be that bad…” continue reading.

You start off in what I like to call, the complete-and-utter-NOOB stage.  You start to level your character by running around clicking on the same 2 buttons to kill things over and over again.  Meanwhile the acronyms, pointless arguments, obscure terminology and stupid Chuck Norris jokes constantly flying across the chat channels aren’t helping you figure anything out.  Just when you get to the point where the 100 people in your particular chat channel are not calling you a noob for asking stupid questions that you would otherwise have absolutely no way of knowing, BLAM someone asks you if you want to go on a raid. 

A raid, in this game, when you first start to do them, happens when some random person shoots you a “whisper”.  Then, after you get ridiculed by 15 other people already in the know for asking how to “whisper” someone back, the conversation usually goes something like… 

SomeToolbag:  “Want to do stockades?”

Immanoob:  “Huh?”

SomeToolbag: “We need a mage”

Immanoob:  “What do you need me for?”

SomeToolbag:”Go to SW”

Immanoob: “SW?”

SomeToolbag: “OMG Stormwind”

Immanoob: “How do I get there?”

SomeToolbag: “Fly from IF (Iron Forge)”

Immanoob: “I don’t have the flightpath”

SomeToolbag: “You will have to run, head south down to Blackwood Forest”

(25 min later)

SomeToolbag: “r u coming?”

Immanoob:  “sorry, died, running back to body”

(25 min later)SomeToolBag: ”are you here yet?”

Immanoob:  “I’m here, where do I go?”

SomeToolBag:  “Where are you?  I’ll come find you”

Immanoob:  “I’m by this giant fireplace looking thingy”

(25 min later)

SomeToolbag: “where are you?”

Immanoob: “I fell into the canal and I can’t get out”

…and so on…and so on. 

So then, finally get the raid started.  A few dozen wipes (that’s when everyone dies and you all have to run back to your bodies) later, the entire group is yelling at you for getting agro (that’s when you “aggravate” a “mob”, a “mob” is a computer enemy).  At this point,  the group usually disbands and you just wasted 4 hours of your life trying to learn how to do an instance, which, in the grand scheme of the game, you should have been able to defeat with your left nut.  

The next phase in the game is what I like to call the “Questing-to-level-phase”.  This is where you get to watch your character spend hours flying from place to place, where upon arrival, you get the click the same 15 (you have new spells/abilities by now) buttons over and over again to complete the tasks that you are given.  Meanwhile, while your doing this, you die all of the sudden and you have no idea why.  Never mind, you can just spend 5 minutes running back to your body.  Oh, but then when you finally get there and resurrect, you die again.  After completing this cycle a few times you figure out you are being killed by a much higher level of the opposite faction over and over again for absolutely no reason except that he or she is a complete asshole and has nothing better to do.  (This is called “camping”)  You then spend your days dreaming of the day when YOU are the high level asshole who is camping other unsuspecting noobs.  You finally get there.  You are level 70.  Oh wait, we forgot to tell you.  Since you spent all of your time trying to quickly level your character, your character has items from when you were level 45, and that being the case, you might as well be trying to shoot them with a rubber band, because it doesn’t hurt them. 

At this point you realize that you need to get better “gear” for your character.  So you do the next logical thing and join a guild.  This is my all-time most hated thing on the entire earth.  A “guild” is a group of players that do raids and other in-game activities together to fight enemies that would be otherwise impossible to defeat.  Blizzard, in all of their wisdom, made the end-game “mobs” so powerful that you have to band together with 39 other players at the same time to beat them.  What a great idea.  Now, it takes 40 people to be at their computer, not taking a piss, not getting yelled at by mommy and daddy for playing all day, paying attention, and NOT FUCKING SUCKING ASS at the game.  PLUS, if/when, after multiple wipes because johnny 13 year old had to go to bed, or Timmy The Toolbag’s roommate who actually HAS a college social life came home drunk and puked on his computer,  you finally DO defeat the enemy, he drops 3 or 4 items if your lucky.  This is where the ultimate douschebaggery comes in. 

Now it’s time to decide who gets the loot.  These completely biased decisions are made by the guild “officers”.  Guild officers are the absolute biggest losers on the face of this earth.  Pick the nerdiest, dorkiest, socially inept loser that you have ever met in your entire life, multiply that by 75, and you have yourself a guild officer.  These are people who spend all of their time working out solutions for in-game social problems amongst the guild members.  They derive a sense of power and responsibility by performing the tedious, but oh-so-important tasks of: A) Keeping track of DKP (This is a sort of in-guild currency that a guild member can use to gain access to items that the guild earns) B) Deciding who gets to go on a particular raid.  C) Deciding who gets to join the guild.  And last but not least, D) Leading a raid. (deciding which buttons the particular raid members are responsible for clicking)  

After several hundred days (literally full 24 hr. periods) of your life spent questing, flying around, farming for gold/items, watching the auctions, waiting for people in raids, running back to your body, running from horde, getting stuck/lost in a cave, dropping out of school, losing any sense of a social life, gaining 35 pounds, and conquering countless monsters or players of the other faction, you can proudly plant your character outside the gates of iron forge and scoff at all who challenge you to a duel.  You will feel the awe and enchantment when level 60 character with tier 1 gear gets off of their mount, bows before you and respectfully asks where you got a staff that has +346 spell damage.  Never mind the girlfriend that left you months ago.  Never mind getting kicked out of college for failing all of your classes that start before 3:00 pm.  You will have the greatest character on your server.  And if, because you are such a incredibly talented MMO player, you ever decide that you have conquered the World of Warcraft and it is time to move on, you can sell your character on ebay for around $600, amounting to .000001 cents per hour as compensation for your time.

Have fun toolbags. 

I Hate Make-Up

Most women I know have a self-image crises that revolves around two things:  Being thin, and make-up.  Now, of course, like most not-completely-psycho males on this planet, I am fine with, and greatful for the first. However, I have serious issues with the second. Dear Women, make-up sucks.  At no time during the history of the cosmetic industry has a woman put on make-up and looked better because of it.  If you show me any picture of any hot girl “done up” I will show you a picture of a hotter girl in pajamas and a pony tail.  Nothing makes me more pissed off then when I am going out with the (yes for better or worse, at this point in my life it’s “the” and not “a”) female and I am waiting for her to finish putting on her make-up.  Thanks babe, not only do I have to sit here and field phone calls answering the same damn question as to why we haven’t left yet, but I can actually watch you getting less pretty (I would never be married to an ugly chick) AND I’m going to have to clean lipstick off of my dick later to boot. 

So I’m sitting there, fielding one of these weekly phone calls from a friend, passing the time by trying to figure out some way to avoid spending $1000 on dinner and drinks.  My friend says, “Maybe we could just watch our wives make-out?”   What a fucking GREAT idea!  Watching my wife do another attractive chick.  What could be better?  Doesn’t cost a dime….in fact, I could probably find a way to MAKE money out of the deal.   Hmmm…how to accomplish?  So far my not-so-subtle “Hey, why don’t you two (or three or four) just make out” remarks haven’t been so successful.  Eventually I gave up on the idea, resorted to storing the thought away in my jerk-a-dex and went back upstairs to check on Ms. Circus Clown.  

 This does, however, beg the question: Why is it that women will cover their faces in nasty grease and powder in order to please a guy, but most of them won’t make out with other women?  BULLSHIT!  We need to change socially expected behavior to disclude make-up and include a little bit of harmless  girl on girl action. 

Seriously, how great would that be?  We could solve so many of America’s marraige crises problems.  Think about it, instead of….

“Honey, we’re late!  Can you please hurry up?”

“Leave me alone!  Your yelling isn’t going to make me go any faster!”

 We woud have……

“Honey, are you almost done?  We are running late!”

“I’m on my way down!  Just have to grab my strap on in-case you guys decide to play video games while were over there!”

 Think of all the female in-fighting it would solve!  Instead of…..

“She looks like such a slut in that dress!”

We would have…

“…..”  See!  Complete silence.  There would be no competitive female bitching, bickering and other nonsense because they would be too busy making out with each other.

Once again I’ve solved the world’s problems.  The4ngryG4mer for president?