Anger Issues

As many of you might have figured out, The4gryG4mer has some severe anger management issues.  I hate losing.  I hate losing so fucking bad I have broken countless controllers, punched holes in numerous walls and even destroyed a ping pong table or two.  I’m that guy you can’t stand to play games like Halo or Gears of War with because if I lose and you are on my team, you are going to hear about how badly you suck two-thirds of the way into the next match. 

It doesn’t help with all these fucking ways that people come up with to gloat about their win either.  I can honestly tell you that I have had to buy an XBox controller and spackle a wall in the same night after being humped by some faggot-little-noob-high-schooler for all 30 seconds of the bleed out time because my teammates quit and I had to finish out the game 4 on 1 while playing ranked matches on Gears of War.  What is it with this generation of little fuck-heads?  Mommy and Daddy buy them an XBox and a game that is so rediculously graphic I wonder if I should even be playing it, and don’t even have the descency to teach them how to be a gracious winner.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m the worst loser ever.  If I lose, and your on my team, you can bet that your going to have to answer the question: “How could you be so fucking stupid?…<insert poor strategy/execution/tactic here>” But, how hard is it to be a good winner?  I mean are these fucking little turd rockets so empty inside that they have to make 8 players spend thirty seconds of their lives watching a locust hump a human with a smoke grenade stuck up his ass?  It’s like, they see someone else doing it to them, so instead of realizing what a waste of time it is, they are like “Wow, that guy was really cool, he sure did hump the hell out of me after blowing my leg off with the shotgun.  I wish I could be like him.” 

If I could invent one technology, it would be to allow me to travel through the internet.  I swear to god the world would be such a better place.  I can just see it now, four little brats talking more shit than George W. Bush, humping me like Kobe on a white girl, and then BLAM!  I crawl out of the host’s computer screen, immediately turn off his XBox (ending the game for all four of the little homos) and within seconds standing over a wimpering, bludgened, bloody and bruised body asking “Still think it’s cool to antagonize poeple when you win because you had an unfair advantage?”  Then the little toolbag has to go to school the next day.  “Holy shit man, what happened to you last night, we were laughing at The4ngryG4mer and then you just logged out?  Whoa man, you look like you just got the shit beat out of you!”  “Yeah, I can’t play Gears anymore guys, The4ngryG4mer smashed my XBox, I guess it’s really not that funny to hump people when you win.”

 LOL!  OMG, my fantasy.  Anyways, it doesn’t even stop here.  This new technology could be applied to so many things.  World of Warcraft for example.  Here is a game where people spend hundreds of hours of their lives leveling a character just so they can go back make life a living hell for anyone and everyone of inferior dorky-ness.  They always have these clever little guild names like, Id Mana Tap That, or Evil Empire or whatever else someone with no job, social life or marketable skill could spend 17 hours a days coming up with.  The most annoying thing about these losers is that they use in-game emotes to communicate with you.  Instead of simply asking “Can you conjure me some water?”, it has to be, “Zeia looks thirsty, maybe you have a drink?”  AAAAAHHH!  Can you feel my pain here?  I would love to crawl through their computer screens, beat the living fucking shit out of them, and put up an away message like “Zeia can’t talk right now because he was camping The4ngryG4mer and got the shit beat out of him.  Sorry.” 

Some of you may be thinking, “But 4ngryG4mer, what happens if the guy on the other screen is more of a badass than you?”  Pffffff, let me just say, not likely.  I can personally garauntee each and everyone one of you gamers out there that I promise I could beat your ass.  Seriuosly, Chuck Liddel, if you play Halo/Gears/WoW, I could beat your ass, so you better think twice about trying to make my gaming life miserable just because you have some free time and your bored.  Go jerk off or something.  Better yet, try seeing how many seconds you can hold on to a brick before letting go and swimming to the surface.

Well, I’m going to go work on my internet traveling device…..in the mean time, start learning how to be gracious winners you toolbags.

WarCrack

If your thinking about buying the game World of Warcraft, you should seriously consider re-evaluating your life.  I’m sure most of you saw the South Park episode that deals with this, but just so you know, IT’S ALL TRUE!  There were no exaggerations in that parody whatsoever.  You literally get sucked into an online world where the only thing that matters is how much of your life you have wasted running around a virtual world.  If you are still thinking to yourself “Ah come on 4ngryG4mer, if 6 million people play it, it can’t be that bad…” continue reading.

You start off in what I like to call, the complete-and-utter-NOOB stage.  You start to level your character by running around clicking on the same 2 buttons to kill things over and over again.  Meanwhile the acronyms, pointless arguments, obscure terminology and stupid Chuck Norris jokes constantly flying across the chat channels aren’t helping you figure anything out.  Just when you get to the point where the 100 people in your particular chat channel are not calling you a noob for asking stupid questions that you would otherwise have absolutely no way of knowing, BLAM someone asks you if you want to go on a raid. 

A raid, in this game, when you first start to do them, happens when some random person shoots you a “whisper”.  Then, after you get ridiculed by 15 other people already in the know for asking how to “whisper” someone back, the conversation usually goes something like… 

SomeToolbag:  “Want to do stockades?”

Immanoob:  “Huh?”

SomeToolbag: “We need a mage”

Immanoob:  “What do you need me for?”

SomeToolbag:”Go to SW”

Immanoob: “SW?”

SomeToolbag: “OMG Stormwind”

Immanoob: “How do I get there?”

SomeToolbag: “Fly from IF (Iron Forge)”

Immanoob: “I don’t have the flightpath”

SomeToolbag: “You will have to run, head south down to Blackwood Forest”

(25 min later)

SomeToolbag: “r u coming?”

Immanoob:  “sorry, died, running back to body”

(25 min later)SomeToolBag: ”are you here yet?”

Immanoob:  “I’m here, where do I go?”

SomeToolBag:  “Where are you?  I’ll come find you”

Immanoob:  “I’m by this giant fireplace looking thingy”

(25 min later)

SomeToolbag: “where are you?”

Immanoob: “I fell into the canal and I can’t get out”

…and so on…and so on. 

So then, finally get the raid started.  A few dozen wipes (that’s when everyone dies and you all have to run back to your bodies) later, the entire group is yelling at you for getting agro (that’s when you “aggravate” a “mob”, a “mob” is a computer enemy).  At this point,  the group usually disbands and you just wasted 4 hours of your life trying to learn how to do an instance, which, in the grand scheme of the game, you should have been able to defeat with your left nut.  

The next phase in the game is what I like to call the “Questing-to-level-phase”.  This is where you get to watch your character spend hours flying from place to place, where upon arrival, you get the click the same 15 (you have new spells/abilities by now) buttons over and over again to complete the tasks that you are given.  Meanwhile, while your doing this, you die all of the sudden and you have no idea why.  Never mind, you can just spend 5 minutes running back to your body.  Oh, but then when you finally get there and resurrect, you die again.  After completing this cycle a few times you figure out you are being killed by a much higher level of the opposite faction over and over again for absolutely no reason except that he or she is a complete asshole and has nothing better to do.  (This is called “camping”)  You then spend your days dreaming of the day when YOU are the high level asshole who is camping other unsuspecting noobs.  You finally get there.  You are level 70.  Oh wait, we forgot to tell you.  Since you spent all of your time trying to quickly level your character, your character has items from when you were level 45, and that being the case, you might as well be trying to shoot them with a rubber band, because it doesn’t hurt them. 

At this point you realize that you need to get better “gear” for your character.  So you do the next logical thing and join a guild.  This is my all-time most hated thing on the entire earth.  A “guild” is a group of players that do raids and other in-game activities together to fight enemies that would be otherwise impossible to defeat.  Blizzard, in all of their wisdom, made the end-game “mobs” so powerful that you have to band together with 39 other players at the same time to beat them.  What a great idea.  Now, it takes 40 people to be at their computer, not taking a piss, not getting yelled at by mommy and daddy for playing all day, paying attention, and NOT FUCKING SUCKING ASS at the game.  PLUS, if/when, after multiple wipes because johnny 13 year old had to go to bed, or Timmy The Toolbag’s roommate who actually HAS a college social life came home drunk and puked on his computer,  you finally DO defeat the enemy, he drops 3 or 4 items if your lucky.  This is where the ultimate douschebaggery comes in. 

Now it’s time to decide who gets the loot.  These completely biased decisions are made by the guild “officers”.  Guild officers are the absolute biggest losers on the face of this earth.  Pick the nerdiest, dorkiest, socially inept loser that you have ever met in your entire life, multiply that by 75, and you have yourself a guild officer.  These are people who spend all of their time working out solutions for in-game social problems amongst the guild members.  They derive a sense of power and responsibility by performing the tedious, but oh-so-important tasks of: A) Keeping track of DKP (This is a sort of in-guild currency that a guild member can use to gain access to items that the guild earns) B) Deciding who gets to go on a particular raid.  C) Deciding who gets to join the guild.  And last but not least, D) Leading a raid. (deciding which buttons the particular raid members are responsible for clicking)  

After several hundred days (literally full 24 hr. periods) of your life spent questing, flying around, farming for gold/items, watching the auctions, waiting for people in raids, running back to your body, running from horde, getting stuck/lost in a cave, dropping out of school, losing any sense of a social life, gaining 35 pounds, and conquering countless monsters or players of the other faction, you can proudly plant your character outside the gates of iron forge and scoff at all who challenge you to a duel.  You will feel the awe and enchantment when level 60 character with tier 1 gear gets off of their mount, bows before you and respectfully asks where you got a staff that has +346 spell damage.  Never mind the girlfriend that left you months ago.  Never mind getting kicked out of college for failing all of your classes that start before 3:00 pm.  You will have the greatest character on your server.  And if, because you are such a incredibly talented MMO player, you ever decide that you have conquered the World of Warcraft and it is time to move on, you can sell your character on ebay for around $600, amounting to .000001 cents per hour as compensation for your time.

Have fun toolbags.