For like the 15th straight year or something IT (Information Technology) has been the fastest growing industry in the country. The consequences of this are that in order for us to fill the jobs that we need, the inflow of foreigners into IT jobs has been overwhelming. Now, I don’t want to see a bunch of comments from you idiots after you read this post about how I’m racist and stereotypical, cause I’m not racist, and there is nothing wrong with pointing out stereotypes. So fuck off.
I have a serious problem with stinky people. It fucking drives me up the wall. It’s like ever since college, when I chose my career path, I have been cursed with the stinky lab partner, the stinky cube mate, the stinky conference-room-meeting-guy that sits next to me every fucking day no matter where I decide to sit, the stinky QA guy…..it goes on and on and on. You walk into a biz school computer lab and you have to decide between sitting in the corner by yourself, and actually getting some work done…OR sitting in between the two ridiculously hot girls who both smell like they just got done shooting a Bath & Body works commercial requiring you to take bathroom breaks every 15 minutes just to keep you from going insane. You walk into an Applied Science & Engineering computer lab and it’s like you stepped into this alternate universe where deodorant hasn’t been invented yet and shopping malls are filled with raw onion markets instead of personal hygiene stores.
Seriously, when the Mayflower passed through the Bermuda triangle on their way to colonizing America was there some enlightenment portal that they passed through that mutated their olfactory nerves to allow humans to smell their own stench? Yesterday, I am helping this guy figure out some problem with his code and it was one of those things where you help him a little bit, and then he runs into another problem, and then you help him a little bit more, so on and so forth. This fucking guy stinks so goddamn bad that his entire cube has a stench cloud hovering around it. It got the point where I had to make up some reason why it would take me a few minutes to come over to his cube to help him so that I could load up on oxygen by hyper-ventilating before hand. Then it’s like the worst game show that you can ever imagine, something like Jeopardy, but instead of the little song playing in the background, you actually run out of air to breath and pass out if you can’t figure out the answer in time.
Some cultures you can actually tell their bathing schedule by how offended your nose is during the week. It’s like they get out of the shower on Monday morning and think “Well, that should do it for the bathing this week!” By Friday your coming up with a strategy to reschedule all your meetings with said person by blocking off all of Monday and parts of Tuesday morning to get the meetings over and done within an acceptable time-since-last-shower window.
This problem really gets on my nerves because I know it’s one of those things that should be pretty simple to solve. You walk into Simaguyn Naynellejie’s (not a real person, don’t bother trying to rat me out toolbags) cube, it fucking stinks in there, you say “Hey man, ever hear of Old Spice? Here’s a free sample! =)” But nooooooo, here in America, since we had slaves as recently as 150 years ago, so everybody has to tip-toe around anyone who isn’t a white male or speaks with an accent.
Just so you guys know that I’m an equal-opportunity-stink basher, it’s not just foreigners. It’s fucking fat-ass Americans too. And let me tell you, there is NO shortage of those fuckers in IT. Now, just so I’m not being completely hypocritical here, lord knows that The4ngryG4mer could stand to lose a few lbs. But I’m talking about the guy that eats cupcakes and a big-gulp (refilled 3 times a day) full of Mt. dew, hits the BK up for lunch everyday and still manages to dump $10 into the office vending machine. The guy that has to wait for the handicap stall to open up so he has enough room in there to find his shit-hole and piss-hose before going into battle. The guy that brings his own titanium reinforced chair to conference rooms because he simply doesn’t fit in the regular ones, then makes self depricating jokes about how he needs to lose some weight. Hey buddy, I don’t even really mind looking at your fat-ass (provided your wearing clothes), it’s actually kinda comical and makes me feel better about my reading on the bathroom scale, but if you could ditch the stench that goes along with it, my nose might send you a x-mas card next December. They probably don’t even bother with the deodorant because it would take an entire stick of it to cover all of the surface area generated by having 6 armpits on each side.
Fucking bullshit. I want my non-smelly air back! I’m going to try it. I’ll probably get fired, but fuck it. I’m going to walk right over to the person whose ridiculously obvious stench is floating across the cube wall as we speak and say “Hey, buddy, since is obvious that you haven’ t showered since last Saturday, could you do me a favor and try this Axe body spray?”
I’ll let you guys know if I’m still employed on Monday……=P
